Must Read
Maria Shriver's latest essay -- and my reflections on connection
Note: All books and more referenced below can be found here.
Maria Shriver’s latest essay, “Take the Reins,” in her Sunday Paper newsletter really hits home. She starts with profound gratitude this Memorial Day for all the families who have suffered so we can be free and then confesses that in searching for her own purpose, she is hitting some roadblocks.
“Here is my reality. I now live alone. My children are grown and gone, as they should be, and none of them (I now realize) are coming back to use their old bedrooms that sit ready and waiting for them.… My social circle, once wide and vibrant and loud, has quietly contracted without me even fully realizing it…. I have found myself, on certain evenings, in certain quiet moments, feeling, well, lonely. Yes, I have… We may have meaningful work and wonderful children and full calendars, and yet we still feel it. It’s that particular quiet that settles in when the day is over and the house is still and there is no one to tell about it. No one to dream with, plan with, laugh with, talk with. I feel it. And I suspect some of you do too.” - Maria Shriver
We recently lost my stepfather, Howard, and my mother is coping with the quiet. And I am alongside her, listening, loving, but unable to truly “fix” the problem.
“I also know that because I’m single like millions of others, my children worry about me in the way most adult children worry about single parents. Do you have someone to have dinner with? Who’s taking you to the doctor? Who are you traveling with? I don’t want them to worry. I want them to live their lives freely. I want them to come home because it’s joyful to come home, not because they feel obligated or concerned.” - Maria Shriver
This resonates. Is my mom okay? Should I be there and not here? It is all heartbreaking, no matter how strong someone you love is.
One of Maria’s conclusions is to double down on actual human, in-person connection. We all know this and yet why is it so hard to leave the house sometimes?! Why have we ended up living in a world that separates us down driveways, behind fences and gates, sometimes not even knowing our neighbors? Why has canceling plans become the norm when it might be the other person’s only plan all day?
Two books really nail the elusiveness of even mundane moments of connection: Kerry Clare’s Definitely Thriving (on the podcast this week) and Mikki Brammer’s Good Joy, Bad Joy.
In both books, a single woman looks for meaning in the day-to-day shopping moments when she ventures out and is ultimately disappointed. Imagine depending on Starbucks employees for all your social needs.
Organizations like Dorot in New York try to tackle this by pairing teens and tweens with the elderly, not necessarily homebound but just conversation-starved due to life circumstances.
How can we all help before we end up in the same situation? And seriously, why do I need to scan my own bar code at checkout? Who thought that was a good idea?! Plus it’s one more time not to make conversation.
My work centers around meaningful conversations. It’s what I love most aside from reading all the books. It’s the connection I get from listening and chatting with authors on my podcast, learning about who they are, spending up to thirty minutes solely focused on someone else. It’s intoxicating.
Perhaps that’s why podcasts are having such a moment. We want to be part of the conversation so badly that it almost doesn’t matter that we aren’t actually a part of what we’re listening to. It scratches the itch. The voices in our ears. Feeling like we’re getting to know someone even if they aren't getting to know us. As someone who others feel they know, I actually love it, because when I meet them, I don’t have to share anything! I can move on right to them. (Speaking of the podcast, listen to Dan Senor’s episode to hear the difference between Memorial Day in Israel vs. the U.S.)
How can more people join the conversation, not just listen? How can we tap into the treasure trove of wisdom collected by those who are just a bit older than us? Bruce Feiler speaks about the need to connect on the podcast this week as he discusses his book A Time to Gather.
I’ve found myself drawn to stories lately that take place a bit later in life. I can still read fabulous books about younger people, like the upcoming Jenny Jackson novel The Shampoo Effect which I just finished, and appreciate it for its wit, character-driven narrative, excellent writing, and best ending of perhaps any book ever. But spending hours in the minds of those just starting out with families, still partying, and in that late-20s/early-30s moment of life which I’ve sailed past as my fiftieth birthday looms large, is not exactly where I am emotionally.
I’ve always read to prepare myself for what’s coming next or to cope with what I’m going through now, not as much where I was. I find myself particularly connected to stories with intergenerational relationships like The Burning Side by Sarah Damoff (my June book club pick and on the podcast this week) or books tackling what’s next like Forty Love by Jane Costello (my July book club pick: use code ZIBBY20 for 20% off and free shipping, fyi). Aging parents. The messy middle. Cliche, but here I am. My own upcoming book, Between Books (which perhaps I should’ve called Between Chapters?) is my own attempt to poke fun at and understand the past ten years up until now.
With the retreats and events I host, online book club, author celebrations like my recent Summer Reads gathering, and the constant events at my bookstore, I’m trying to provide a forum for regular interaction and connection for all ages. It isn’t enough.
What else can I do to help solve this problem? Seriously. What can we all do? Perhaps that’s what I’ll work on next because that human connection, like what Kalina Silverman calls Big Talk, is what it’s all about. Big and small talk. Is the answer our connection to dogs like in Camille Pagan’s Dog Person, also on the podcast this week!? How can we all have conversations that matter as we age and make sure our loved ones do, too?
If you’re looking for something to talk about, by the way, go see the movie “Tuner” which my brother and his company Black Bear produced and released. It stars Dustin Hoffman, Tovah Feldshuh and Leo Woodhall and is about a piano tuner who realizes, just as he starts to fall in love, that he can use his super-powered hearing to break into safes — which leads to all kinds of trouble. Kyle and I went to the screening with the cast this week. I absolutely loved the movie. My attention didn’t wander for a second!
Anyway.
Thank you, Maria Shriver, for the Sunday wake-up call. Loved every minute. You have more friends than you can possibly know.
Come sit by me.
Opportunities to Connect:
In Person + Online
VIRTUAL. Wednesday, May 27th at 1 pm. National Library of Israel online panel, “The Strength of Jewish Women,” with Lihi Lapid, Annabelle Gurwitch, Lisa Barr, Judy Batalion, and me. Link here.
NEW YORK, NY. Monday, June 1st at 8 pm: 92nd Street Y event with actor Mark Feuerstein, Rabbi Steve Leder, Allison Gilbert and me to discuss On Being Jewish Now. Tickets here.
NEW YORK, NY. Wednesday, June 3rd at 3:45 pm. U.S. Book Show panelist, “The New Book Tour: How Podcasts are Revitalizing Your Entire List” with Lauren Cobello and others, plus a live podcast. Info here.
NEW HAVEN, CT. Thursday, June 4th at 5:30 pm. Jewish Federation of Greater New Haven Women’s Engagement and Philanthropy event speaker. Info here.
POTOMAC, MD. Friday, June 5th at 9:30 am. Teach Give Inspire Fridays speaker with Pam Sherman and Hilary Fordwich. Tickets here.
NEW! BEVERLY HILLS, CA. Monday, June 22nd from 12 pm - 2 pm. On Being Jewish Now with Samantha Ettus and me at Veronica Beard. Shopping and conversation with 15% of the proceeds going to 501(c)(3) the Artists Against Antisemitism.
CHICAGO-AREA. Saturday, July 25th: 10:30 am - 2 pm.Ticket info here.
Save-the-dates for retreats and petite retreats: October 2-4 in Santa Monica, October 25 in NYC and January 22-24 in Naples, FL.
Zibby’s Book Club: Let’s Talk
Join me on Zoom to ask authors questions and connect.
Tuesday, June 9th at 7 pm ET: Sarah Damoff, The Burning Side. Register here.
Wednesday, July 22nd at 7 pm ET: Jane Costello, Forty Love. Register here.
Thursday, August 13th at 7 pm ET: Matthew Quick, Dad, Love, Me. Register here.
Totally Booked: Author Conversations
Listen in. Podcast: 3x/week. Listen here.
Watch. TV Show on JBS: 1x/week on Thursday at 7:30 pm. Watch here.
Zibby’s Bookshop
We host events multiple times a week in person in Santa Monica including a monthly in-store book club (different from my virtual one). Our events are livestreamed on YouTube. Events here. Come into the store soon to check out our new shelves sorted by topic. 1113 Montana Avenue, Santa Monica, CA (at 11th Street).
All books mentioned and outfits worn(!) are linked here for your shopping pleasure.
Note: A few of the links generate some affiliate revenue.
Wow if Maria Shriver is lonely then you are definitely right that there has to be so many more lonely people then I ever imagined.
Zibby you are the greatest connector of people. I would love to read some books fiction and memoir about older people dealing with their loneliness (with happy endings).
This is brilliantly done and relatable for so many reasons.