I know. It’s a lot. You don’t want to be doing any of this. How can this be? And yet, you have to. Here’s a list so you don’t have to figure this all out, too. Save this somewhere just in case.
The Service
Email the rabbi or clergy. Let them know what happened. Ask for available dates and times for the service/funeral.
Get close family and friends on a group text. Ask everyone which dates work. Find out who wants to speak. Confirm spelling of names including use of middle names, etc., for program.
Confirm all details with venue. Get looped in with organizer. Go over all the logistics including what time to enter and where for privacy.
Find out what prayers, etc, to put in the program.
Design a simple program in Canva.
Staples can print within a day for pick-up if it’s just a two-sided flat card. Design vertical 5”x7” with photo and name on the front and details on the back. Upload to Staples website. Flat, not glossy paper stock. Select “pick-up.” They’ll notify via text when read. Pick up the programs and then drop them off the day of the service at the venue.
I also printed cards with just the Kaddish. Use mine at the bottom of this email if it helps.
Notifications
Write obituary announcement with service details when finalized. Everyone is welcome.
Submit to NYT and/or local papers.
Someone in the family should post on social media about the loss.
Email friends and family with the details of the service and reception and tell them to tell anyone else you may have missed. Pick key people at various organizations or who represent groups of friends. Let them do the rest. (If you’re a guest wondering: “Is it okay if I go? Am I close enough to them?” then go. Those who aren’t close enough don’t wonder that.)
The Reception
Pick a time to open up a family members’ home for visitors as a shiva, a wake, or a simple reception. Defer to primary person on their wishes and follow through.
Stock the bar. See what you have in the house. Then make a list of what you need. Call your local liquor store. Ask a loved one to pick it up. Here’s what you should have on hand. (For New Yorkers, I used Park Ave Liquor online which delivered.)
Vodka
Gin
Scotch
Tequila
Vermouth + olives
White wine
Sparkling and still water
Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Ginger-Ale
Limes, lemons, oranges to slice as garnishes
Ice (day of)
Maybe rent? Depending on how many guests and how upscale you want to make it, you can open an account on Party Rental’s website and rent everything you need. Then after the reception, you load it all back on trays provided and don’t have to deal with all the dishes, etc. If not, get disposable supplies.
What to Rent:
Cups and saucers for coffee/tea
Linen cocktail napkins
Salad/cake forks
Pitchers
Red wine/water glasses for all drinks
9” lunch plates
What to Serve:
Include a mix of a loved one’s favorite foods and easy to eat nibbles. If you can, outsource this to a local caterer or food store.
Paper goods. Make sure you have hand towels and tissues on hand, plus all bathroom related supplies for guests if hosting at home.
Flowers. Order four flower arrangements, all white/green in 6” square vases, to place throughout the venue. (New Yorkers, I use Lenox Hill Florist: 212-744-1070.)
What Else to Buy
Outfits. We were out of town when we heard and had no clothes except for one day. My mom, daughter and I went to Target and got outfits for all of us including shoes. Actually love what we got and will re-wear often. I also went to J. McLaughlin and bought four black dresses to try on at home. I’ll return at least three of them when I get up the energy to try them on. (Writing this takes much less energy than trying on a single dress. Plus it’s my to-do list.)
I’m trying these on later. Hopefully one works. Will return the rest. Posters. In addition to the programs (see above), make a poster on Canva and upload to Staples in same-day printing. (I did a photo surrounded by a thin black border with Howard’s name below it.) Make one sign for the temple and another for the reception venue with loved one’s photo on it. I printed a third just in case. You never know.
Easels. Easiest one is on Amazon here.
Guest books. Get one for both venues: service and reception. (My suggestion is this one from Scully & Scully.)
Order this one from Scully & Scully for visitors to sign here. Other Considerations:
If the reception is in a residential building, make sure the doorman/building knows so other guests can be alerted.
Make travel plans for those who can’t arrange themselves. Ask friends/family to help with pick-ups, etc.
Go through the run-of-show for the whole day with all key people including transportation between events. Order cars ahead of time if needed for key people. Repeat key info. Everyone is frazzled.
Don’t feel obligated to respond to every kind email, text, DM or card right away. There will be time for this later. No one is expecting it.
Sleep. Your body will shut down if you don’t give it what it needs. I learned this the hard way.
It’s okay to laugh sometimes! Not every moment in the immediate aftermath is tragic. Let the funny come out too. Humor and grief go hand in hand.
Just get through it. Hope this helps. Add your own tips in the comments. Mostly? Hug those you love. No one will remember the flowers. They’ll remember the feelings.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You are, as ever, using it to make the world a better place—one to-do list at a time.
Thank you for sharing this. It will be very helpful to many people. I will point out that there is quite a lot involved in dealing with the mortuary after someone has died -- which may include buying a casket, plot and/or crypt. That is why it is so much easier if people do pre-planning so their mourning loved ones do not have to figure out the other issues in addition to your already challenging list. And as distressing as it may be, at least in California, there are mortuaries which have the cheaper caskets and the more expensive caskets in different rooms. People who pre-plan are taken into both rooms. If a family comes in to choose a casket when there has been no pre-planning and their loved one has died, they only get taken into the room with the expensive caskets.
I also want to mention how I thought your love letter to/about Howard after his death was magnificent. Thank you so much for reminding people how wonderful love is.