What’s Your Sign?
The X-Rated Gift I Accidentally Gave My Ten-Year-Old. (Plus Zibby Media updates.)
Every day on the way to school, I read my two little kids their horoscopes. (Also, my own, not that they listen to it.) I flip through the actual New York Post as we speed across town until I find the right page and then ask, “Who wants to go first?” Depending on who in the family is doing drop-off that day, we might read Cancer, Sagittarius, Gemini, or Capricorn. Leo for me. Some mornings, the kids leave the car with a kiss goodbye and run into school clutching their backpacks in one hand and their horoscopes in the other, the torn-out gray square of advice curled up in their palms.
Fast forward to one recent summer afternoon when my nephew and I were shopping on Montana Avenue near Zibby’s Bookshop for my daughter’s tenth birthday.
“Oh, this place looks cute,” I said, steering us into a shop that I soon realized was Paper Source.
As we plowed through sections devoted to TikTok-inspired cookbooks and ramen-shaped sponges, I came across a game called What’s Your Sign? It was the same shape as Citizens for Humanity, clearly a card-based family crowd-pleaser.
“Perfect!” I said out loud. “I’ll get this for (my daughter’s) birthday!”
“Yeah, she’ll love that.” My nephew approved.
I carried it around the store, waited in the checkout line, carried it home, gift-wrapped it, and brought it back with me to the Hamptons, all without ever reading the fine print.
When my daughter opened it on her birthday morning, her eyes lit up.
“What’s Your Sign? Like our horoscopes in the car?!” she said.
“Exactly!”
“Aw,” she said. “Thanks, Mom!”
I beamed. The satisfaction of a thoughtful gift. There’s nothing like it.
We left all her gifts on the dining room table, so it was right there when, last Sunday evening during a driving rainstorm, we decided to venture into town for dinner. I grabbed it and threw it into my tote as we raced to the car. You can never be too prepared, right? Sometimes during dinner, we play games with the kids like STET! Dreyer’s English or The Hygge Game. Yes, we are that cool.
Eight of us descended on the local high-end burger joint: my four kids, my husband Kyle, my brother, and my nephew. When the kids started getting a bit restless waiting for the food, I pulled out the game. Genius move, I thought, mentally patting myself on the back. I’m such a good mom. Always thinking.
The kids all switched seats so they could be on one side of the table to play. My brother, Kyle and I chitchatted as the kids divvied up the cards. I wasn’t really listening to them, just basking in a mom-move well-played, and the fun of family time.
Suddenly, my daughter flashed a card in front of my face and said, “Uh, Mom? What does this mean?”
I looked at it.
“Cancer, you will have an intense orgasm…”
Wait, what? At first I was confused. What the….?
“Mom, look at this one,” my eight-year-old said. His card read: “Cancer, you will have unprotected sex.”
Oh no, oh no, oh no.
“Give me the cards” I said, standing up and frantically trying to grab them away. “Guys! Give me the cards!”
The kids all started laughing, realizing that somehow they’d gotten their hands on something totally inappropriate. And that I was freaking out. So they started reading the cards out loud as I lunged towards all of them.
“Leo, you will find yourself in a sticky situation…”
I started laughing uncontrollably and saying, “Stop!” as they all threw out words like humping.
“Oh my God,” I kept saying, tears rolling down my face. “I can’t believe I did this.”
“It says 17 and up!” my daughter said, pointing at the box. “LOOK!”
“I didn’t even read the box!” I said, laughing again. “I just assumed it was fine!” (Moms don’t have time to read?)
My brother and Kyle were laughing too, but also: not.
I grabbed the game and got up to throw it away in the bathroom. The kids followed me in.
“Mom, what’s anal?”
“Mom, what’s masturbating?”
I shook my head, begging that no one be in the other stalls.
“Oh, let’s talk about this another time, okay? Please?” I pleaded, shoving the game deep into the garbage can.
When we got back to the table, I sat down to hear my brother explaining: “…and then you pull it over like a raincoat for a banana.”
He paused and looked over at me. “Thanks, Aunt Zibby.”
At least it was a meal we’ll never forget.
My older son recently commented, “Have you noticed that a lot of our trips and meals are what you call ‘memorable?’” Meaning: disasters.
It’s true. My best laid plans for the kids often backfire. If only my horoscope would warn me.
The Zibby Media Minute:
Here’s a super quick glance of everything coming up in my company.
Podcasts: Don’t miss this week’s Moms Don’t Have Time to Read Books episodes with Jenna Bush Hager, Brit Bennett, Kristy Woodson Harvey, Bruce Feiler, Ava Chin, Helen Schulman, and Adrienne Brodeur. Also, if you haven’t listened to our Zibby Audio pod SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, my essay above just might have inspired you.
Publishing: Our most recent release from Zibby Books, Wednesdays at One, is out now! Watch author Sandra A. Miller discuss her book and then take in the trailer. Next up: Wine People by Michelle Wildgen.
Classes: Reema Zaman is teaching an in-person class at Zibby’s Bookshop on Thursday, July 28th on All Things Memoir. Check out her class and more!
Magazine: On Zibby Mag, don’t miss “You Never Forget Your Worst (Book Review.)”
Retreats: The Petite Retreat in The Hamptons was a smash hit! There’s only one spot left for our next one 9/22 - 9/24 in Solvang, CA (Santa Barbara wine country). Grab it here.
Writing Community: Did you know we had one? Darcey Gohring runs a writing group for us with weekly meetings Mondays at 1 pm ET. (We’ll have a page for this on our new site.) In the meantime, join her group here.
Indie Bookstore: Zibby’s Bookshop has so many events coming up this week including this Sunday at 3 pm PT with Liz Fenton and Lisa Steinke, Forever Hold Your Peace. 1113 Montana Ave, Santa Monica, CA. Register here. Not in L.A.? Watch the livestream on our YouTube channel here.
If you missed it, I was profiled by Cup of Jo this week. Read my nine book recommendations here. I was also on NPR in L.A. recommending beach reads. Scroll down this page to listen.
Deal of the week: Register for 20% off at the Kauai Writer’s Conference here using code ZIBBY on the checkout page.
Have a great week! Respond in the comments below to: Where do you find out about the books you love? Or react to anything above — like my essay!
Here's to the memorable!
The Birds and the Bees, anyone?? Haha!!!