Wait, Wasn't This Supposed to be My Time?
Feeling torn between obligation and finding my own next chapter
This essay is part of the Between Chapters project, inspired by the book. What chapters are you between? How did you get from one chapter to another? Share your story here.
What Chapter Are You…
Leaving:
Stay-at-home mom.
In:
Empty-ish nest.
Entering:
Trying to figure that out!
The longing is real. The missing is real. But this is my time, and that is exciting. Right? Time to reinvent myself, to fuel my passions, to reignite my career. I could travel, get myself in tip-top shape, create photo books, organize the attic, have more date nights with my husband, snuggle up with book after book after book, and, oh yeah, finish writing that novel.
And yet… I am still needed. In fact, I think others have done a better job of figuring out how to make use of my “free” time than I have. I am still struggling to find structure in this new space, and to say, “I am so sorry, I can’t,” when technically I could.
No one is making me say yes, but I keep shuffling my dreams to the back burner. And wait, what are my dreams again? Just writing these words makes me feel guilty because I love helping friends and family, and more than anything, I love being my kids’ mom. I realize that these two versions of myself do not need to be mutually exclusive. Of course I can nurture myself and the people I love in the same season. So, why am I faltering?
The novel I imagine writing keeps drifting further and further away. I mean, I guess it would be cool to have a debut novel at age seventy, but fifty-five already feels too old. And, just as in my life, I am having trouble envisioning what comes next for my heroine, Katie Valentine. I need time to sit with her. Just us.
“So take the time,” my family will say. But it’s not that simple.
I used to be spunky and ambitious, but now I feel a bit disoriented. I am happy, but I miss the routine of school days and activities. I am so proud of my kids and who they are becoming, but I also want them to be proud of me. I want to do something meaningful and measurable so they can say, “That’s my mom.”
The thought of finding my thing is exciting. But what is it? I would like a roadmap with step-by-step instructions, but since I am unsure of my destination, I don’t know how to program my GPS. Still, I feel something brewing, something bubbling inside me. And as much as I wish I could reread the previous chapter, I am hopeful that good stories await me as I turn the page.
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This is great! Love this piece!