A New Marriage. A New State. A New Life.
Starting over after an emotionally abusive relationship
This essay is part of the Between Chapters project, inspired by the book. What chapters are you between? How did you get from one chapter to another? Share your story here.
What Chapter Are You…
Leaving:
Living in gloom.
In:
Letting go of heartache.
Entering:
Writing a book and appreciating my new surroundings.
Fifteen years ago I was miserable. I had a job I liked, earned a good salary, and had a community of friends. But I was also working 60 to 80 hours per week at a global tech company, raising two young kids, while my (emotionally abusive) first husband spent four to five days a week traveling for work. He’d expanded his travel schedule the week after our older child was born. He “needed sleep,” he explained. Apparently, I did not. He later promised to work in town when we decided to adopt a second child. Instead, he went back on that promise and returned to his weekly travel position.
Years later, I unexpectedly fell in love with someone I worked with, divorced my first husband, and spent another ten years in court, working through ineffective parenting coordinators. In Washington State, the system seemed built around the idea that both parents should be treated equally, regardless of the actual dynamics at play. Meanwhile, my ex filled our daughter’s head with lies. To quote one judge who heard our case, “I got your ex to admit he was knowingly slandering you when he lied that you were fired from your job, but wow, that man really hates you.” That was among the milder moments.
Living with that much hatred and abuse directed at you on a daily basis takes a toll. The saddest part, though, was that our easily manipulated daughter bore the brunt of his abuse.
This past year, we moved from the gloom of the Pacific Northwest to the unrelentingly optimistic sun of the Southwest. My tenth wedding anniversary with my second husband is this month. It turns out you can find love with an incredible, supportive person who shares your interests. I have good relationships with my two “bonus” children and my first born, all in their twenties.
I love where we live. Our house is beautiful, and our neighbors are as bright as the weather. I’m embracing the Southwest, and the spirituality that surrounds us here. I’m excited to engage more and build my community here. I also just completed the Writing Certificate Program at Stanford. There’s a lot to look forward to.
My cousin recently gave me sage advice, easy to express and difficult to implement. She told me that there is a point where you have to walk for the sake of your own sanity. Take whatever steps you need in order to be able to breathe. You can’t survive with the feeling of an elephant sitting on your chest all the time.
Now, my greatest lesson is the one showing me how to move forward. I’m no longer a victim of emotional abuse; I’m a former victim. That distinction matters. My primary goal is to publish my novel, which is contemporary fiction. I’ve committed to having a reviewable draft by September, less than three months from now. Wish me luck.
Follow Jenn Sargent on Substack and Instagram.
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