Thursday, October 1 from 12:30 pm - 2 pm PT: Maria Shriver at me at Zibby’s Bookshop. Tickets here …

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I was pulling up my white jeans in an airplane’s “lavatory” when I suddenly realized how much time I’d wasted in life. The tag had one of those European-numbered sizes stitched in. (So annoying, right? It’s hard enough trying on clothes knowing what the right size should be, let alone dealing with seemingly untranslatable equivalents. But anyway.) A small square piece of fabric with the number thirty was staring back at me.

There was a (long) time in my life when seeing the number thirty stitched into the back of my pants or even on a discarded item on a dressing room floor would ruin my day. My week. Perhaps, my month. I staked so much of my worth as a person on that number. The number on the scale too, of course.

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But sizes, those seemingly permanent markers of my abject failures or, at overly restrictive times, hard-won successes, could undo me. Forget anything else that was going on. Forget school, work, friendships, relationships. It was as if I’d taken my forearm and dramatically swiped off all the plates and glasses resting on a four-top at a crowded restaurant. Instead, I’d replaced it all with a simple, tiny coat check claim with all the stage lights magnifying it for everyone to see.

My gosh. Who cares?

In my attempts to make that number different – a size two instead of, say, a twelve – I’d damaged my body and soul. I’d spent years counting every “BLT” (bite, lick and taste) and translating it into Weight Watchers Points. I’d spent every meal planning, plotting, recording, and measuring. I’d doled out one-quarter cup of brown rice with two carefully weighed ounces of plain grilled chicken, and steamed broccoli. I’d forced myself to work out every single day, no matter where I was or what was happening, finding sketchy backyard “gyms” when attending destination weddings. I couldn’t miss a day.

“Just have some scrambled eggs,” my friends would say, when I panicked, realizing a lower-Points egg white option wasn’t available at a post-wedding buffet. Are you kidding me?! But that would cost me five Points, instead of only one Point! Then I’d almost definitely exceed my twenty allotted Points for the day and then I’d have to dip into my weekly savings, and didn’t they know I was banking those for a piece of cake on Friday and the one-Point muffin-tops I had nightly to get my sweet fix? My head would conjure up my trusty spiral notebooks where I catalogued every single item of food I’d consumed for years with a proudly circled number at the end of every week. Nothing was just a bite of food. It was an input into a carefully orchestrated formula designed to keep me from – gasp! – gaining weight.

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Never mind that my hair was falling out or that I’d stopped getting my period or that I was always freezing cold. Never mind that doctors couldn’t seem to figure out what, exactly, was causing my other bizarre symptoms. Plus, then, I was a size two or four. I wasn’t that thin, not thin enough to have an eating disorder. I didn’t even have the discipline to get there, that’s how pathetic I was, I thought. Was it all the chemicals, how I sprinkled Splenda on everything including my daily cucumber/vinegar salad (zero Points!)?

My mind was constantly filled with equations. Food math was my fuel, the antidote to the cravings, the defense against the sugar I hunted down like an addict from delis on Madison Avenue, eating chocolate chip cookies out of brown paper bags like a junkie.

What grades meant to me in school, sizes now meant to me in the world.

Of course, some brands were more lenient, so that’s where I shopped. Banana Republic, where I could even pull off a size zero occasionally, was my favorite. But then, oh, how terrible it felt when I’d gotten back to a size fourteen.

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Fourteen? I’d think. How could I have let this happen?! I’d berate myself endlessly, punitive, cruel. You failure,I’d shout internally as I stared in the dressing room mirror in a size ten. You should wear a size four or six! You should be smaller! You should have more control. You should look like all your skinny friends. Your mom. You should have more will power! What is wrong with you? How could you let this happen? And now it’ll take months to get a better size. You’re pathetic, do you know that?

On and on and on. Until I’d restricted myself enough back down to the smaller sizes before the cycle repeated. Oh, the amount of time I spent chasing a number. A number! Stitches on a tag that no one could see but me. All that self-abuse, flagellation, and energy, for that?!

I’ve been on Mounjaro now for three years now. My size rarely changes. I’m happy being a size six, eight, or ten depending on the item and brand. I don’t think about food. I never tire of marveling at the fact that my clothes simply fit. For more than forty-five years, that just wasn’t the case. I never knew what would fit daily. I had jeans in every size.

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Now, I don’t think about my size. Yes, I evaluate how I look in clothes, but I never put on a well-fitting dress and think, “If only it were two sizes smaller, then I could be happy.” No. I’m just happy. Full stop.

It wasn’t until I saw the number thirty tucked into the waist today that I realized I’d completely stopped putting so much importance on insignificant numbers. A size thirty probably would’ve set me off. I should be in the twenties, I would’ve thought. What’s wrong with me? Now, I’m just happy to be in comfortable, pants. (Although perhaps I shouldn’t have worn white pants on a flight. Lesson for another day.)

Now I’m left asking myself: why did I waste all that time? Why?! I wish someone had taken me by both shoulders and shaken me, saying, “Stop this right now. You are not the size of your pants! You are so much more than that.” I want to say that to everyone in a dressing room, ever, bemoaning the fact that they need a larger size.

Being bigger than your friends doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t. It doesn’t mean you’re less worthy, less smart, less driven. It means nothing other than what your body type is and how much you’ve been eating and exercising lately.

If I’d spent a fraction of my twenties and thirties focused on something other than the deafening food noise, think what I could’ve accomplished instead. Sadly, I chose to bash myself in the head, making myself feel terrible for something irrelevant.

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Who cares what sizes we all wear? What matters is who we are. What we do. What we give back. What we create. It’s how we conduct ourselves in the world. How we make meaning out of the limited time we have here. How we treat other people. It’s the size of our hearts, not your hips.

The fact that we all come in different shapes and sizes is just a byproduct of being on this earth. All species, all plants, everything, comes in different models. Let it be. This is the moment to live, not to punish yourself. It’s time to button up and get back to doing the real stuff of life without another thought.

Sizes don’t matter. But you do. Treat yourself that way. Remember, it’s just a tiny little tag. It is not who you are. I just hope it doesn’t take you as long to realize it.

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I recorded the audiobook for Between Chapters this week in a small studio in Santa Monica, an Israeli producer, Ziv, in the next room. As I read one essay in the collection about being Jewish, he chimed in afterwards through my headphones: “Amen.”

I’d blocked two full days at the studio, 9 am - 5 pm PT, to record. By 3:30 pm on day one, I texted Kyle, “Done!” Here are the five things I wasn’t expecting.

1. Sobbing. My stepfather Howard died suddenly last October. Two days later, I sat at my mom and Howard’s kitchen island at their home in Arizona and wrote an essay about the pain and shock. His reading glasses rested by my laptop, the black cord curled around them. As I read that essay out loud, I couldn’t stop crying. I kept pausing, staring up at the ceiling, taking a breath, and continuing. I don’t cry about Howard every day, although I do miss him all the time. But reading about the loss, especially those raw emotions in the immediate aftermath, just slayed me. You’ll hear a very wobbly voice as you listen.

2. Stet. I thought the manuscript was 100% perfect given how many times my team and I had proofed it. But reading it out loud, I found three I hadn’t noticed before. Turns out, audiobooks are a fantastic proofreading exercise.

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3. So fast. The start of the book is more about being in the throes of motherhood whereas by the end of it, my twins are going to college. Reading it all in one fell swoop, I was taken aback, yet again, but how quickly it all went by. Not in the moment, but looking back. Wasn’t I just one the sidelines of Super Soccer Stars? Now I’m watching the World Cup with full-on adult kids. I found myself feeling quite wistful. Also fast? Finishing the recording in record time.

   

4. Seriously? Wow. So many things have happened to me — and to all of us — over the last decade. All the major stressors and more. Moving. Career change. Divorce. Remarriage. Communal tragedies. Kid-related stuff. I found myself feeling even more grateful to Kyle, my family, and my kids for their role in all of it. It was a lot. I can’t imagine the next ten years can compete.

5. Sex. I’ve never felt more embarrassed than reading out the terms “hand job” and “blow job,” knowing Ziv and Lisa Cahn, my editor on Zoom, were listening. I mean, really. I was definitely blushing.

I hope when you listen to it, you’ll picture me in that little room, wiping my eyes, laughing, and blushing my way through it. I read it for you.

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, owner of Spring Cafe Aspen and author of Healthy with a Side of Happy! , dishes about family, marriage, food, careers, and more on Totally Booked with Zibby! Listen here on Apple Podcasts, here on Spotify, and watch below! Sabrina and Zibby will be doing an event at the Temple Emanu-El Streicker Center on September 24th, so save the date!

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Here are the 1,985 podcast guests who have been on Totally Booked with Zibby/Moms Don’t Have Time to Read Books since it launched in 2018. Want to listen? Just search your favorite podcast player (Apple, Spotify, etc.) with the author name and Zibby!

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Terrence Real

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Wade Rouse

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Wendy Walker

Will Schwalbe

William Dameron

William Kent Kruger

Xochitl Gonzalez

YZ Chin

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Yukiki Tominaga

Yung Pueblo

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Zibby’s Summer Reads Party—Live

Ziggy Marley

Zoe Whittall

Zoje Stage

Zorana Ivcevic Pringle

Zosia Mamet

“I mean, I’d be happy to come,” I offered, shamelessly.

“Fantastic!” she said.

Fast forward to June when I flew down early on a Friday morning from New York and arrived at the most gorgeous country club, rolling greens, and manicured landscapes greeting me. The interior of the clubhouse sparkled with wood paneled libraries, sunshine-filled meeting rooms, and towering flowers straining up towards intricate chandeliers. This was going to be a good one.

By the time I got up to give my own talk, I’d met all types of women, reunited with friends and colleagues like and , and settled in for a slightly off-color, very frank, hilarious and powerful series of introductions and talks by sponsors and speakers like Pam Sherman.

I had to rush off the stage to make my flight home, a new custom-made glass microphone gift weighing down my backpack, filled with that upbeat feeling when you’ve really connected with new people. I highly recommend both attending and speaking at the event. Plus, as a surprise, Barbara was kind enough to give every attendee a copy of On Being Jewish Now and even sent me an honorarium that covered my travel. So lovely! I was just doing it for fun.

Now, Barbara sent me this high-def recording so you can feel like you were there with us, too. Thanks, Barbara!

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Confession: I don’t love watching sports. What I love is watching the emotions behind the sports: the inspiration, the choking, the group hugs, the crying, the grit, the hustle. It’s why I also love watching sports-themed movies. (“Wildcats,” anyone?)

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Here are a few of my podcast episodes and quotes from authors and athletes talking about sports, sportsmanship, training, competition, and more that tap into that collective euphoria of a win or the behind-the-scenes of what makes athletes able to take the pain the rest of us can’t.

Quotes from Totally Booked Interviews:

“I loved being on the field and playing. That’s where I became me as a person.” - Christie Pearce Rampone, Be All In: Raising Kids for Success in Sports and Life

“I learned how strong I was. I learned that I'm a fighter. I learned that failure is never going to break me.” - Lolo Jones, Over It: How to Face Life's Hurdles with Grit, Hustle, and Grace

“The best sports stories are not about sports at all. They’re just hung on a very thin wire of sports.” - Rick Reilly, So Help Me Golf

“Sports are cruel that way. You succeed when you’re young. It’s a tragedy that you probably won’t feel that again... It’s hard to drum up that same depth of high-octane life that you had as an athlete.” - Diana Nyad, Nyad

“You’re a competitor. You’re an athlete. It is a big part of your core of how you move through every day... That fear to potentially lose who you are, then you’re starting from scratch. That’s really scary.” - Lindsey Jacobellis, Unforgiving: Lessons from the Fall

“I lost my whole identity... I was the soccer player... When I lost that, I was empty. I was empty for a really long time... I totally lost my purpose. I lost myself.” - Susie Petruccelli, Raised a Warrior

“I’d told myself this story my whole life that I was not an athlete... It turned out I just never actually tried at all because I was so scared of failing.” - Alyssa Ages, Secrets of Giants

“Within the infrastructure of a team, men are allowed to love each other... to notice that one of them is having some problems and just show up for them. The team nature of it allows them to do that.” - Ann Napolitano, Hello Beautiful

“Some of the best men I know played football. Some of the men that are hurting the most played football. I don’t have an answer, but I do say, try to keep your kids out of helmets.” -Kelsey Chittick, Second Half

“When you’re an athlete you’re either a winner or a loser. Even if you lose by a tenth of a second, you’ve lost... when you mess up, you lose. And when you lose, you actually get less love.” - Megan Tady, Bluebird Day

What’s your favorite sport or sports team?!

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